Admitting defeat

“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars – Kahil Girban”.  

I had been shackled to my own self-loathing, suffering and misery for so long I had developed Stockholm syndrome.  My negative emotions, fears, and misery had become so strong they nearly manifested in physical form.  They would conspire to ruin relationships, swallow serenity and poison my passions.  I was lonely, miserable and defeated.  I could find no escape out of the hell I created because although I could see the sunlight above my pit of despair, I lacked any conscious understanding of how to get there. It wasn’t until corrosive hopelessness eradicated fear that I was able to begin the white-knuckled climb out of hell.

Even when I finally began to take the program a little more seriously I faced another issue initially, I was too defeated to be able to surrender and turn my will over to my higher power.  In my life surrender is only achievable when one isn’t defeated.  Once you live in surrender it is impossible to be defeated and one lives in defeat it is impossible to surrender.  Surrender is not attainable in weak states, surrender comes from strength.  For me, defeat was a precursor to surrender.

I often struggle with allowing others to be in the state of defeat that was necessary for me fundamentally gut my entire concept of myself.  It was a painful, lonely, miserable experience, however, it was necessary.  I am working on developing compassion for those who are still stuck in the purgatory that is addiction. My fear of being pulled back into that pit of despair is real, however, if I continue to work my program I have a life line and peers to keep me from falling back into that tar pit of terror.  I can offer my hand to those that are still stuck in suffering but they must reach for it, grasp it, want it and work for it.  I can be who others were for me

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