It is said that “holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Reflecting back on my life it was expectations, ego, impulsivity and reactions that created the majority of my problems. I would have expectations that wouldn’t be met and my ego would be damaged so then I would impulsively react, perpetuating the problem into infinity or isolation. I would hold onto my anger like it was a priceless bauble I was rewarded for the suffering, I felt others imposed upon me. Except this gaudy charm was spiritually radioactive and it radiated it’s essence to anyone who got close.
I realize now that how others treat you is a reflection of them and how you treat others is a reflection of you. You need to break the self-sustaining circle of suffering and it cannot be achieved by feeding the beast with your response. It is best to acknowledge the sickness in the actions and words of others. Allow them to pass with sympathy and the understanding that they come from a pace of loneliness, spiritual bankruptcy and avoidance of one’s own problems.
I can recall all the anger, hate, jealousy and insults I would sling in the secure circle of sick friends. It was just as intoxicating as another drink or drug. It was cheap, easily available and led to an inflated ego for the tiny spiritually malnourished soul I had let wither with my actions, words and thoughts. All those insults whispered, spoken or yelled about another all reflected back to me and harmed myself far more than the ones I had aimed them at. That cruel critic was obviously cancerous to those who fell into my sights but it was a minor form of the thoughts I felt about myself.
Now, I realize when you put someone down, it is only to build yourself up. Self-importance built on the insults of others is a shaky and dangerous foundation for happiness. It is certainly going create a shrinking, increasingly claustrophobic prison cell in the mind of the perceived perpetrator. Critical thoughts and words towards others become their own prison guards and warden towards those that think or vocalize them.
As I am human, I make mistakes with this daily but I also see progress. I only hope to seek progress, not perfection and in that I am successful, someday’s more than others.