I used to think I was free, free to act like an asshole, free to take what I wanted, free to do what I wanted, free to say what I wanted. This was all an illusion. Every action, every stolen item, every lie, every toxic thought, every harsh judgment, every ill word was another shackle and another brick in the prison of my mind.
Although it is a paradox, I was liberated by surrender. I was never really free until I surrendered and turned my life over to my higher power. Today my open mind is free to unfold slowly and blossom in the freedom of recovery. I used to think recovery was a prison, never realizing I was in the cell. Recovery has been the master key.
When I become judgemental, rude, arrogant, deceitful (even to myself), put personalities before principles, stop practicing humility, tolerance, acceptance, etc. I begin to rebuild that prison I escaped from. I can relinquish my surrender if I so desire. I am free to use or recover. I’m free to act how I did in active addiction, I choose not to, I am assisted in this choice by my higher power, the fellowship and my support outside the rooms.
Today I use my free will to recover. It is a daily choice, struggle, and battle for my independence from active addiction and the ultimate dictator my former self. Although I don’t win every battle behind my eyes, I can still win the war inside of me and will achieve victory when I take my last breath, inhaling the freedom of recovery and liberate my soul from corporeal existence.
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