Remorse

Remorse – deep regret or guilt for a wrong committed

I have made peace with my past and have accepted that although I did many wrongs the lessons I have learned from those actions have helped lead me to today.  This morning I have remorse for not putting my recovery before my desires.  I have been isolated outside of the rooms since I have been sober, I have not made many real connections.

Last night I was given an opportunity to hang out with some people in recovery.  I enjoyed the hanging out with them, had a great time and really felt a sense of community and acceptance from others I had only experienced in a great friendship with someone I care about a great deal.

The issue is that I was intending to stay an hour or so later than I normally get ready for bed on the weekends.  I ended up staying 2 and a half hours later than I had planned.   That has caused anxiety, remorse, set my morning back by four hours and interrupted my responsibilities to myself.  Also, as I have romantic feelings for someone, regardless if they are not currently reciprocated, I felt like I betrayed my feelings.

The remorse for the betrayed feelings was instilled from a previous relationship where i could not have female friends.  I did nothing physically, mentally or emotionally that would betray my feelings for who I care about but I still feel remorseful for giving my attention to other female friends.

It was a learning experience and I need to remember the lesson.  Set and adhere to timelines I establish.  My routine is important for my recovery from mental health issues specifically but as addiction is a symptom of these issues it can feed into my addiction.  If I lose my footing on my mental health, I can potentially take my will back from my higher power and lose my progress in recovering from addiction.

I also need to remember:

1) It is ok to have female friends.

2) I don’t need to feel guilty to the lady I have feelings for as we are not dating, we are just friends and until she expresses otherwise, if ever, that is what we are. Even if she expresses otherwise we are still friends with a different relationship.

3) I shouldn’t cheat on my own feelings.  I didn’t last night, I felt like I did but I did nothing wrong.  I can’t cheat on my feelings because it plays into my addiction.  If I care for someone, that is who I care for.  If it isn’t reciprocated I will move on when I am ready but until then I won’t betray how I feel.

No one is to blame for how I feel but me and I forgive myself.  So long as I don’t repeat overstepping my own limitations and boundaries at the expense of my recovery.

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