For most of my life, I had an ego-centric view of existence. In my experience with psychosis, I literally thought I was both the savior of the world at one point, as well as someone who gambled away the milky way galaxy to intergalactic “demons”. Talk about a burden, let alone self-obsession. I was the center of CIA spying, every sneer, every cheer. The celebrities on TV were always talking about me because my mundane life was a reality show they watched for entertainment, they knew every thought, action, misdeed of my life.
My self-obsession didn’t start or end with my psychosis, though. I was sick as a child and got attention often, as I got healthier I craved that same attention because it was all I knew. This attention and desire to be the center of things surfaced in negative attention-seeking behaviors such as vandalism, arguments, acting out in class, using drugs (alcohol being one of them) and ultimately getting arrested because my foolish behavior got the unwanted attention of the police.
I’d like to tell you that now that I am in recovery, the earth, the sun, the moon and the stars aren’t centered around me but I would be lying. This is something I have to work as it was one of the root problems that led me to addiction. No longer obsessing over myself means the following:
- Most people’s behavior isn’t about me, it’s about them
- I don’t need to throw my 2 cents in all the time
- I need to remember to put others need’s first
- While I can take pride in my accomplishments, I don’t need them validated
- In order to truly love myself, I need to do the previously mentioned things