The Duality of my being

The duality of my being can be somewhat tricky.  Often times I get lost in one polarity of my personality, I fully embrace the positive or I endure the negative in isolation.  I have been very successful in the recent weeks at maintaining a euphoric amount of enthusiasm for life and all that I have encountered, however, lately I find my gaze shifting from the stars above to the abyss below.  My old ways of thinking seem to be trickling back in as much as I attempt to avoid their advances.  I can say I have made progress but at times I feel like Sisyphus of greek mythology, burdened with the eternal task of pushing a boulder up a hill and upon reaching the pinnacle having it slide back to the base.   Other times,  I feel akin to  Tantalus, where I can see the water I need to quench my parched soul but it is lowered out of reach when I reach for the soul food I need nourish my fatigued flesh it absconds above my grasp. Finally, I feel like Prometheus, reborn every night, only to awake to have my body devoured by eagles until the tenderness of twilight reanimates my corpse to again suffer the same fate into infinity.

My inner voice was poisoning my mind telling me not to write, to succumb to my misery, to accept another day of rest, that my attempts were hopeless.  Thankfully, my experience has shown me that I cannot endure the luxury of apathy anymore.  Sisyphus was never given the option to rest, Tantalus was never given a reprieve from his thirst or hunger, Prometheus was never allowed to have one day out of the cycle of torment.  My soul is an amalgam of all three. Every day I am reborn, only to be eaten alive as I push my boulder up a mountain I cannot summit with ambrosia I cannot imbibe and delicacies I cannot ingest.  Existing in a precipice world between the infinity of the unknown and the incarceration of the abyss below.  I Thrive in the middle of the duality of my being or allow them both to be present.

The differences between where I am at today and who I have been in the past are as follows, I am no longer afraid of the abyss or frightened to never reach infinity, I can accept my struggle and I choose to endure it.  With the smile of insanity,  I gleefully embrace the sadomasochistic tasks at hand, mindful of the ravenous abyss below with my eyes transfixed on fathomless unknown unfolding before me.  Know that when I slumber tonight I die to be devoured, the progress of the day will be reset, my thirst and hunger can never be sated but regardless I will arise from the ashes in the early morning embers more intent than ever on finally obtaining the impossible end to the cycle of suffering.  The duality of my being is both a curse or a blessing, that is decided by my perception.


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