“Willingness without action is fantasy”
I always had the willingness to get intoxicated when I started using. I actively sought out every avenue I could use. My first job at 15 was essentially just to earn money to use. My willingness to use superseded rational thinking. The lack of thinking due to those desires got me arrested in school, kicked out of rehab, locked up for dirty urine, ruined relationships with women I loved, family and friends. All of this happened before the age of 18 as well.
My willingness to use made me become a liar, a thief and a rip off artist. The willingness of a sick mind made me use women like drugs, getting my fix and kicking them to the curb. Eventually that willingness left, I had to get intoxicated to handle every emotion or situation. This left me isolated, out of my mind, bitter, fearful, angry and cynical. Eventually, those caustic emotions eroded the shell I had built up around that broken little boy, I was forced to surrender.
Today I have the willingness to recover thanks to my higher power. If I am thinking clearly I will put the same or even more willingness into my recovery than I did when I was destroying everything I loved. Today, I have the willingness to grow, face life on life’s terms, recover, heal, admit my mistakes when I see them, and ultimately be someone I am proud to be.